But there are a few bad movies that are so infamous that they deserve a brief mention, if not a full-on review. (At least, not yet.) So behold: single-sentence capsule reviews of some of the word shit ever put on film.
88 Minutes—A strictly-in-it-for-the-money Al Pacino runs around Vancouver while on the phone with a Ray Liotta fangirl for 88 fucking minutes.
After Last Season—A psycho killer’s ghost doesn’t do much while people blow their lines repeatedly and/or get their heads examined in an MRI machine patently made of papier-mâché.
Air Collision—A passenger airline collides with Air Force One. Hilarity ensues.
Alien vs. Predator—Aliens and Predators run around Vancouver and occasionally kill people and/or each other.
Alien vs. Predator: Requiem—Aliens and Predators run around Vancouver and occasionally kill people and/or each other, only this time it’s filmed so dark you can’t see a goddamned thing.
Alone in the Dark—World-famous Jack Nicholson impersonator Christian Slater stars as a self-proclaimed paranormal investigator who teams up with Tara Reid as the least credible professor this side of Denise Richards and Stephen Dorff as that guy who came this close to having a career to battle hordes of demons that you can’t see unless you look at them. Also, at no point is anyone ever alone in the dark. (Uwe Boll Count: 1)
The Apple—A highly ‘70s musical about the temptation of hippy Adam and Eve by the corrupt pop music industry, man.
Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever—Lucy Liu runs around Vancouver shooting everything in sight for no discernible reason while AnTOnio! BANderas! takes the English language into an abandoned barn out back and beats it to death with a shovel.
Battlefield Earth—The plucky human resistance consisting entirely of primitive cavemen fly 1000-year-old-yet-still-functioning Harrier jets to fight the oppression of a dreadlocked John Revolta and his giant codpiece.
Birdemic: Shock and Terror—Still drawings of birds menace people who couldn’t act surprised at their own birthday parties.
Bloodrayne—Michelle Rodriguez and the Terminatrix have a hot lesbian fling and then go on set to shoot scenes for this movie, while a villainous Ben Kingsley goes Full Costner. (Uwe Boll Count: 2)
Body of Evidence—Willem Dafoe defends a stone-faced
Anna Nicole Smith Madonna
from the charged that she humped an old man to death for his money.
Cool As Ice—Some black people stand in the background behind
Eminem Vanilla Ice so we know he’s "down with it" while he steals a 30-year-old high school student away from her 1950s preppie boyfriend. Yep, yep. Word to ya mutha. Drop that zero and get with the hero!
DOA: Dead or Alive—Animated plastic muppet Devon Aoki and a merry band of nobodies battle an unstoppable Eric Roberts until they remember that his powers are entirely due to his magic sunglasses and knock them off his face, ensuring his defeat.
Dragonball: Evolution—A villainous alien named “Piccolo” with hilariously bad make-up battles weaboos.
Flesh Wounds—Stop me if you think that you’ve heard this one before: Hercules leads a team of elite Imperial commandos on a mission to rescue some of our people only to find out they weren’t told the real story just as they realize they’re being picked off one by one by a technologically-advanced hunter who detects them by means of their body heat and and uses an invisibility screen to blend into the jungle--oh, you’ve heard this one.
Gigli—Ben Lopez and Jennifer Affleck are tough-as-nails mobsters who kidnap a sub-Rain Man performance and encounter first the Walken and then Pacino at approximately Devil’s Advocate-level overacting.
The Happening—Mark Wahlberg and that guppy-faced woman are menaced by murderous wind.
House of the Dead—Heavily-armed ravers fight off hordes of zombies and editing mistakes. (Uwe Boll Count:3 )
The Howling 2: Stirba, Werewolf Bitch—Saruman the White and Yor, Hunter From the Future go to Transylvania to stake through the heart dozens of
vampires werewolves extras with crepe fur hastily pasted to their bodies while Sybil Danning reveals her ample talents.
In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale—A not very Statham-y Jason Statham joins up with Hellboy to defend the titular king, a nearly-catatonic Burt Reynolds(!), from a scenery-chewing Ray Liotta and the king’s treacherous nephew Matthew Lillard(!!), while John Rys-Davis, Leelee Sobieski, and Will Sanderson collect paychecks. (Uwe Boll Count: 4)
Jumper—Androgyn Crywhiner stars as
a punk nobody who undeservedly lucks into success himself, trying to elude the completely understandable attempts of Samuel L. Jackson’s bad hairstyle to kill him.
The King of Fighters—Maggie Q and a few other non-Japanese Japanese run around Vancouver after Darth Maul crashes the Chan Centre to steal a magic sword that will allow him to take over the world. Canadians are apathetic about this.
The Last Sentinel—Dragon "The Don" Fancypants McWilson mows down so many dozens of robots/androids/soldiers/whatevers that he almost changes his expression. Starbuck guest-stars as a woman guest-starring in The Last Sentinel.
Legion—Rogue angels lay siege to a gas station to prevent the birth of John Connor of Nazareth.
Rollerball (2002)—When his NHL career doesn’t pan out, extreeeeeme sports enthusiast Flavor of the Month joins Washed-Up-Rapper-Turned-Actor and Mystique to play a slightly beefed-up version of roller derby crossed with the WWE that’s actually less violent and dangerous than the NHL.
The Room—A creepy, indeterminately European man is devastated when his air-headed gold-digging girlfriend cheats on him with—oh hai, Mark.
Street Fighter—Mealy-mouthed Jean-Claude Van Damme gets blown off the screen by a villainous and terribly charismatic Raul Julia.
Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li—A young Chinese girl grows up to become the emphatically not Chinese Kristin Kreuk, who runs around her hometown of Vancouver while things happen that absolutely no one gives a shit about.
Zardoz!—A giant floating stone head intones that "The Gun is Good, The Penis is Evil", prompting Sean Connery in a bright red diaper to do righteous battle against immortal hippies.
So, I ask you, my legion of loyal fans, is there any among these that you would see as the next review? Leave your request in the comments. I won’t actually pay any attention, but at least you can feel a sense of accomplishment pretending that I read your comment.
I’m kidding about that, of course. I don’t have any fans.