July 4, 2014
Happy Birthday, America!
On this day, in the year of Our Ford One Thousand Seven Hundred and Seventy-six, the semi-divine beings known to all people as the Founders proclaimed the establishment of Our Glorious Empire and told that old rotter on the English throne to piss off. Now All-under-Heaven does homage to Our Emperor, transforming themselves into peace-loving citizens of liberal democracy in response to His Shining Radiance, His Really Big Tanks, His Unmanned Drones, and His Totally Accurate Smart Bombs.
As an Imperial citizen among the Northern Barbarians, I praise the loyal service of their chief, who received his noble title "Prime Minister of Canada" by the good graces of Our Emperor. May he continue to transform the ways of the Northern Barbarians into Our ways and thereby move them from savagery to Civilization, and also keep building environmentally-devastating pipelines to provide us with oil and other resources as our corporations deem necessary.
I hope you will join with not only your old pal Carl Eusebius but with all the people of All-under-Heaven in glorifying Our Glorious Empire and Our Noble Emperor who sits upon the Bald Eagle Throne.
You know what happens if you don't.
Written by Carl Eusebius