July 23, 2014

Your Movie Is Meh And You Should Time Out

Your old pal Carl Eusebius has seen a lot of crap, but most of it doesnt make the cut for this blog. For something to end up here, it has to be bad. Real bad. Like, Lady Gagas latest outfit bad. Rob Ford apology bad. Keanu Reeves emoting bad. 95% of the garbage I see just dont rate.

But there are a few bad movies that are so infamous that they deserve a brief mention, if not a full-on review. (At least, not yet.) So behold: single-sentence capsule reviews of some of the word shit ever put on film.

88 Minutes—A strictly-in-it-for-the-money Al Pacino runs around Vancouver while on the phone with a Ray Liotta fangirl for 88 fucking minutes.

After Last Season—A psycho killer’s ghost doesn’t do much while people blow their lines repeatedly and/or get their heads examined in an MRI machine patently made of papier-mâché.

Air Collision—A passenger airline collides with Air Force One. Hilarity ensues.

Alien vs. PredatorAliens and Predators run around Vancouver and occasionally kill people and/or each other.

Alien vs. Predator: RequiemAliens and Predators run around Vancouver and occasionally kill people and/or each other, only this time its filmed so dark you cant see a goddamned thing.

Alone in the Dark—World-famous Jack Nicholson impersonator Christian Slater stars as a self-proclaimed paranormal investigator who teams up with Tara Reid as the least credible professor this side of Denise Richards and Stephen Dorff as that guy who came this close to having a career to battle hordes of demons that you can’t see unless you look at them. Also, at no point is anyone ever alone in the dark. (Uwe Boll Count: 1)

The Apple—A highly ‘70s musical about the temptation of hippy Adam and Eve by the corrupt pop music industry, man.

Birdemic: Shock and Terror—Still drawings of birds menace people who couldn’t act surprised at their own birthday parties.

Bloodrayne—Michelle Rodriguez and the Terminatrix have a hot lesbian fling and then go on set to shoot scenes for this movie, while a villainous Ben Kingsley goes Full Costner. (Uwe Boll Count: 2)

Body of Evidence—Willem Dafoe defends a stone-faced Anna Nicole Smith Madonna from the charge that she humped an old man to death for his money.

Cool As Ice—Some black people stand in the background behind Eminem Vanilla Ice so we know hes "down with it" while he steals a 30-year-old high school student away from her 1950s preppie boyfriend. Yep, yep. Word to ya mutha. Drop that zero and get with the hero!

DOA: Dead or Alive—Animated plastic muppet Devon Aoki and a merry band of nobodies battle an unstoppable Eric Roberts until they remember that his powers are entirely due to his magic sunglasses and knock them off his face, ensuring his defeat.

Dragonball: Evolution—A villainous alien named “Piccolo” with hilariously bad make-up battles weaboos.

Flesh Wounds—Stop me if you think that youve heard this one before: Hercules leads a team of elite Imperial commandos on a mission to rescue some of our people only to find out they werent told the real story just as they realize theyre being picked off one by one by a technologically-advanced hunter who detects them by means of their body heat and and uses an invisibility screen to blend into the jungle--oh, youve heard this one.

Gigli—Ben Lopez and Jennifer Affleck are tough-as-nails mobsters who kidnap a sub-Rain Man performance and encounter first the Walken and then Pacino at approximately Devils Advocate-level overacting.

The Happening—Mark Wahlberg and that guppy-faced woman are menaced by murderous wind.

House of the Dead—Heavily-armed ravers fight off hordes of zombies and editing mistakes. (Uwe Boll Count:3 )

The Howling 2: Stirba, Werewolf BitchSaruman the White and Yor, Hunter From the Future go to Transylvania to stake through the heart dozens of vampires werewolves extras with crepe fur hastily pasted to their bodies while Sybil Danning reveals her ample talents.

In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale—A not very Statham-y Jason Statham joins up with Hellboy to defend the titular king, a nearly-catatonic Burt Reynolds(!), from a scenery-chewing Ray Liotta and the kings treacherous nephew Matthew Lillard(!!), while John Rys-Davis, Leelee Sobieski, and Will Sanderson collect paychecks. (Uwe Boll Count: 4)

JumperAndrogyn Crywhiner stars as a punk nobody who undeservedly lucks into success himself, trying to elude the completely understandable attempts of Samuel L. Jackson’s bad hairstyle to kill him.

The King of FightersMaggie Q and a few other non-Japanese Japanese run around Vancouver after Darth Maul crashes the Chan Centre to steal a magic sword that will allow him to take over the world. Canadians are apathetic about this.

The Last Sentinel—Dragon "The Don" Fancypants McWilson mows down so many dozens of robots/androids/soldiers/whatevers that he almost changes his expression. Starbuck guest-stars as a woman guest-starring in The Last Sentinel.

Legion—Rogue angels lay siege to a gas station to prevent the birth of John Connor of Nazareth.

Rollerball (2002)—When his NHL career doesnt pan out, extreeeeeme sports enthusiast Flavor of the Month joins Washed-Up-Rapper-Turned-Actor and Mystique to play a slightly beefed-up version of roller derby crossed with the WWE thats actually less violent and dangerous than the NHL.

The Room—A creepy, indeterminately European man is devastated when his air-headed gold-digging girlfriend cheats on him with—oh hai, Mark.

Street Fighter—Mealy-mouthed Jean-Claude Van Damme gets blown off the screen by a villainous and terribly charismatic Raul Julia.

Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun LiA young Chinese girl grows up to become the emphatically not Chinese Kristin Kreuk, who runs around her hometown of Vancouver while things happen that absolutely no one gives a shit about.

Zardoz!A giant floating stone head intones that "The Gun is Good, The Penis is Evil", prompting Sean Connery in a bright red diaper to do righteous battle against immortal hippies.

So, I ask you, my legion of loyal fans, is there any among these that you would see as the next review? Leave your request in the comments. I wont actually pay any attention, but at least you can feel a sense of accomplishment pretending that I read your comment.

Im kidding about that, of course. I don’t have any fans.


  1. Ha ha! I am preemptively laughing in case I should ever be taken hostage by a diabolically evil critic of awful movies the forces me to watch terrible film! Then again, since there are so few of you about, I'm probably not in any danger. In fact, I think the only movie on this list I've seen is Battlefield Earth. I would like those hours back.

    1. While you were still learning to SPELL YOUR NAME, *I* was being trained to conquer SHITTY FILMS!

  2. I can't edit my comment. Apologies. In fact, I can only post using voice dictation.

  3. Well... my vote is clearly going to be for Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever and/or Battlefield Earth. But only to see how on earth anyone could possibly construct an argument suggesting that these movies are anything less than beautiful commentaries on the human condition.

    1. By not changing her facial expression once during the entire film, Lucy Liu is making a metacommentary on the falsity and pretense of acting itself. The characters continually speak in confusing non sequiturs in order to illustrate how we can never really communicate with each other in a meaningful way. Kaos (a subtle reference to his own fascination with disorder?) directs a film that is nonsensical and pointless in a way that foregrounds the audience's deep-seated ambiguity about their contentious and de-contextualized relationship with their third cousin's dog-sitter.

      Truly a masterpiece for the 00s. ****s.

  4. I watched bits and pieces of 88 minutes mainly to see scenes shot in UBC. As for Alien vs. Predator: Requiem, I saw nothing! It was shot in a dark room, I think. Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever is forever etched in my memory because we were just at the public library of Vancouver and then it appears on screen.“ Ì was just there!”
    Ben Effleck openly joked about Gigli. He made Argo to make up for being in Gigli. Haha! I really enjoyed watching Street Fighter and Mortal Combat but mainly because I was with the right companion.
    I would like to read your review of the Pacific Rims, but it is not on your list. Next best option would be Gigli since it is the only movie that I managed to endure and stay awake till the end.